I've unfortunately taken this perspective into all matters revolving death, and have become rather judgmental. If anyone ever tells me about someone close to them who has passed on, I nod and console but find myself extremely strained. I can't help but think to myself, "If I can keep my thoughts to myself, why can't you?" To a certain extent i've become very emotionally reserved (at least more than I was). Today, after being texted about some recent death of my friends relative who I had never known, I told my mom about this peeve of mine and she replied "Maybe you're the weird one." I thought about this for all of .76 seconds and then moved on.
Regardless of my harsh judgments I know I complain to others all the time. I sprinkle my complaints around; a lame attempt not to overwhelm any specific person. I know I'm being hypocritical and this drives me mad, which is why I feel as if I'm stepping around glass. I'm trying to fight the temptation to seek attention and step around glass I try to be very careful as not to make anyone uncomfortable, and I'm constantly fighting the temptation to complain and seek pity/attention which I know I hate. Therefore, whenever I vent, I feel extremely terrible and guilty afterwards; fearful that I upset the invisible balance of happiness with my negativity or caused someone to judge me poorly (like the girl in grade-school I mentioned).
Minutes ago, after one of my pity/venting parties via IM (I know, lame), I was feeling rather self-conscious and asked, " Is this conversation weird for you?" ... and they replied "no". That was not the answer I expected at all. Here I was sitting stiff and they say no... apparently they weren't as disturbed as I was. I finally realized my mom was right. I am the weird one. By jumping around and running away from judgment I turned into this overly reserved, way overly sensitive person, who frequently and sporadically complains. EWWWW. Sometimes I can't stand myself. But I guess admitting it is the first step to fixing it. And that's what I'm doing now.
Cheers! To being a better person.