New Glasses

I'm utterly disappointed.

I've been waiting for the longest time to get a pair of glasses. My contacts dry my eyes out so that no-matter how hard I try to stay awake and do my homework, my eyes close, and I fall asleep. My previous pair of glasses had a thick grouping of scratches right in my line of vision, making it nearly impossible to read anything. So about a month ago my mom told me to make myself an eye-doctor appointment. Being the lazy-butt I am, I email Pearle Vision. I remember musing at how cool it was to be able to schedule an appointment online, because then I didn't have to leave the computer in the middle of my very important computer business! Well, after I went to my appointment, feeling very proud to have done so on my own, my mom says, "Where did you go? I hope you didn't go to Pearle, they always mess up the prescription." Annoyed at my mother's lack of appreciation for my new found independence, I decided to dismiss her concern. After all, a doctor is a doctor... how badly could they screw up? HAH.

Many weeks later (today) I go to pick up my eye-glasses. They were beautiful, Juicy Couture, rectangle lenses (though my mom was against it because she thought the longer the lense the thicker... pshh). I couldn't REALLY see them on me in the store, because I didn't want to take my contacts off, but I knew they'd look good, so it didn't really matter. I arrive home super stoked and take out my contacts so I could wear my glasses. I try them on and... WOAH it's like I grew a foot and i'm staring at people though binoculars. Now, I've worn glasses since 4th grade, and I know when you get a new pair they can feel a little different, but I mean WOAH. I look at myself in the mirror and can't help but feel cross eyed; and i'm complete unable to focus. I close my left eye, everything looks normal. I close my right eye, everything's double. Crap. The left eye is way too blury, I think it's the difference in clerity between the two eyes that makes it so difficult to see. I take them off to look at them and notice how incredibly thick the lenses are. At first I thought "Ohh well that's not that big of a deal, it doesn't effect my vision at all like mom said." Then I look at it from the other side and the word four eyes has a whole new meaning. Looking into the corner of my glasses I could see four of everything thanks to the thick curvature. 

The once sweet fondness I had for my glasses has turned sour. I'm wearing them right now and can't see a thing. Now I have to have another eye appointment, wait another two weeks, and put my eyes though another round of irritation through wearing them into the wee hours of the morn... all because I didn't go to the right eye doctor. I am utterly dissapointed in myself and these dumb glasses.

A few turning points.

I have often found myself feeling as if I'm stepping around jagged pieces of glass.  I mean that very literally; the image comes into my mind all the time. My dad died two years ago and i've had some pretty intense awkward moments.  For the awkwardness I've always blamed the other party  simply because I'm not super sensitive to people bringing up my dad's death.  I also knew a girl whose father died in grade-school, and she paraded it around trying to get sympathy.  I remember thinking about how ridiculous she was acting, and hearing how other people judged her and hoped I would never be like that if disaster struck me.  From these experiences I engraved the idea in my head that no one, no matter how kind, good willed, or caring they are, wants to hear anything remotely related to Dad's death. 

 I've unfortunately taken this perspective into all matters revolving death, and have become rather judgmental.  If anyone ever tells me about someone close to them who has passed on, I nod and console but find myself extremely strained. I can't help but think to myself, "If I can keep my thoughts to myself, why can't you?"  To a certain extent i've become very emotionally reserved (at least more than I was). Today, after being texted about some recent death of my friends relative who I had never known, I told my mom about this peeve of mine and she replied "Maybe you're the weird one."   I thought about this for all of .76 seconds and then moved on. 

Regardless of my harsh judgments I know I complain to others all the time.  I sprinkle my complaints around; a lame attempt not to overwhelm any specific person.  I know I'm being hypocritical and this drives me mad, which is why I feel as if I'm stepping around glass.   I'm trying to fight the temptation to seek attention and step around glass I try to be very careful as not to make anyone uncomfortable, and I'm constantly fighting the temptation to complain and seek pity/attention which I know I hate. Therefore, whenever I vent, I feel extremely terrible and guilty afterwards; fearful that I upset the invisible balance of happiness with my negativity or caused someone to judge me poorly (like the girl in grade-school I mentioned). 

Minutes ago, after one of my pity/venting parties via IM (I know, lame), I was feeling rather self-conscious and asked, " Is this conversation weird for you?" ... and they replied "no".  That was not the answer I expected at all.  Here I was sitting stiff and they say no... apparently they weren't as disturbed as I was. I finally realized my mom was right. I am the weird one.  By jumping around and running away from judgment I turned into this overly reserved, way overly sensitive person, who frequently and sporadically complains.  EWWWW. Sometimes I can't stand myself.  But I guess admitting it is the first step to fixing it.  And that's what I'm doing now.

Cheers! To being a better person. 

First Signs of Spring

I should be writing a paper on the economic policies of Russia and Iran, but I find blogger a much more satisfying way to use my writing skills. Not to mention today's weather was just beautiful, how could I possibly be able to sit at the computer and type a paper? (Ironically... I'm sitting on the computer... and typing this story.) Just smelling the air before a rainfall automatically puts me in a good mood and papers do the opposite.  Why should shoo away the warm fuzzies?  Honestly, I don't think I'm going to write this paper.

 Spring has truly begun at my household. I don't care what the groundhog said... IT'S HERE.  There are these white, tear-drop shaped flowers that grow beside my driveway and are the first thing to bloom each year.  My dad used to announce their coming upon his arrival home from work each spring, and my younger self would run out to look at them regardless of whether or not I had already seen them on my journey home from school. It's weird to think i've only experienced the joy of their first arrival 16  times.  I don't know why they hold so much meaning, but seeing them just makes me feel ten times stronger and more cheerful. Today I almost missed them.  I was walking up the driveway and passed them without a thought, but when I turned around to close the fence I looked up for some reason and somehow got a glimpse of white (and I automatically knew what it was).  It felt like my dad was pointing them out to me, but I'm not sure I believe that. 

My mom's been asking me to take pictures of flowers for her to hang since this time last year; so I decided to take some snapshots of the first sign of spring. BOY, what an adventure.  It was extremely muddy and windy; I took off my socks and shoes (brand new white pumas) and the wind blew my socks away! I looked for them but was too lazy too rummage around under the bushes so I ignored their disappearance. My mom would kill me if she knew... but I don't really care; I mean, I can't, it's already too late. 

Sadly all my pictures turned out horribly thanks to my lack of attention for detail.  There were some cords from the christmas lights laying on the ground (bright, ugly, orange ones), and they managed to get into all my favorite photos.  Also, most of my worms eye view pictures had  rabbit feces in them ... very attractive.  Although I did happen to catch a few damn good pictures of a lady bug (good as in content...  not in clarity =[ ).  Sadly that's about it. However I don't care if my pictures look like crap... IT'S SPRING!  And these photos can only help me to find my flaws and fix them.  Hooraay for learning!! 

"Is there anybody going to listen to my story?"

I feel weird getting personal with, well, nothing... and something! ... if you know what I mean. I'm not talking to anyone, but someone is going to read this. As I type right now I can feel the impatience settling in my stomach.  That feeling you get when you're trying to tell a story, and mid-sentence the listener averts his/her attention; thus triggering a series of emotions. When you finally notice said listener is not paying attention, you try to speak a little louder because maybe they just forgot you;  they continue to ignore you then the embarrassment sets in... Not only have you been pushed aside as the lesser of two occurrences, but you tried to regain their attention like a sad little puppy dog!  After standing there for a few moments, waiting until you can speak again, your confidence is completely shattered from lack of attention. 

So right now I guess I feel like that sad little puppy dog trying to gain your attention.  I hope I do, but in a positive "aww how adorable" way rather than the  angry"go away dog!" way.  (mind you this is a metaphor, I'd rather no one ever came up to me and said "aww how adorable!"... or to "go away dog" for that matter. 

Well, goodbye! 
... person who isn't there...