A few turning points.

I have often found myself feeling as if I'm stepping around jagged pieces of glass.  I mean that very literally; the image comes into my mind all the time. My dad died two years ago and i've had some pretty intense awkward moments.  For the awkwardness I've always blamed the other party  simply because I'm not super sensitive to people bringing up my dad's death.  I also knew a girl whose father died in grade-school, and she paraded it around trying to get sympathy.  I remember thinking about how ridiculous she was acting, and hearing how other people judged her and hoped I would never be like that if disaster struck me.  From these experiences I engraved the idea in my head that no one, no matter how kind, good willed, or caring they are, wants to hear anything remotely related to Dad's death. 

 I've unfortunately taken this perspective into all matters revolving death, and have become rather judgmental.  If anyone ever tells me about someone close to them who has passed on, I nod and console but find myself extremely strained. I can't help but think to myself, "If I can keep my thoughts to myself, why can't you?"  To a certain extent i've become very emotionally reserved (at least more than I was). Today, after being texted about some recent death of my friends relative who I had never known, I told my mom about this peeve of mine and she replied "Maybe you're the weird one."   I thought about this for all of .76 seconds and then moved on. 

Regardless of my harsh judgments I know I complain to others all the time.  I sprinkle my complaints around; a lame attempt not to overwhelm any specific person.  I know I'm being hypocritical and this drives me mad, which is why I feel as if I'm stepping around glass.   I'm trying to fight the temptation to seek attention and step around glass I try to be very careful as not to make anyone uncomfortable, and I'm constantly fighting the temptation to complain and seek pity/attention which I know I hate. Therefore, whenever I vent, I feel extremely terrible and guilty afterwards; fearful that I upset the invisible balance of happiness with my negativity or caused someone to judge me poorly (like the girl in grade-school I mentioned). 

Minutes ago, after one of my pity/venting parties via IM (I know, lame), I was feeling rather self-conscious and asked, " Is this conversation weird for you?" ... and they replied "no".  That was not the answer I expected at all.  Here I was sitting stiff and they say no... apparently they weren't as disturbed as I was. I finally realized my mom was right. I am the weird one.  By jumping around and running away from judgment I turned into this overly reserved, way overly sensitive person, who frequently and sporadically complains.  EWWWW. Sometimes I can't stand myself.  But I guess admitting it is the first step to fixing it.  And that's what I'm doing now.

Cheers! To being a better person.